Image by Johanne Brunet
Cambridge University, 1953. At two o’clock in the morning, a student is sitting at his desk. He has been there for hours.
In front of him is the beginning of an essay. He has been writing it, ripping it up and rewriting it for several days. It’s due to be handed in tomorrow, but he still can’t get past the opening sentence.
He doesn’t understand it. He chose his subject, English, because of his love for poetry and his ambition to become a great poet. But for some reason, it’s getting harder and harder to write those essays. And tonight he’s hit a brick wall.
As he sits there staring at the paper, he hears a noise to his right. Turning, he sees the door opening and a head peering round it. An enormous fox’s head.
Into the room walks a creature that looks like a man with a fox’s head, or a fox walking on its hind legs.
As it gets closer, the young man sees that the fox has just stepped out of a furnace, as if the door had opened direct from hell. Every inch of the fox’s skin is charred and blackened by the fire. Between the cracks in the skin, blood smoulders like molten lava, starting to seep out.
The creature’s eyes are shining with the intensity of its pain.
When it reaches the desk, the fox stretches out its hand – a human hand – and lays it flat on the empty page. It looks into the young man’s eyes and speaks:
Stop this – you are destroying us.
When the hand is lifted, the paper is covered in an intricate print of the palm, in glistening wet blood.
The next morning the student woke and rushed to the desk to look at the blood-print – only to find it had vanished.
But the impression it left was permanent.
The young man went to his tutor and explained that he could not continue with his course. After some discussion, he switched from English to Anthropology and completed his degree. He forgot all about academic literary criticism and went back to writing poems.
The student’s name was Ted Hughes, later regarded as one of the greatest poets of his generation. Four years later, when his first book was published, it contained a poem called ‘The Thought-Fox’, a mesmerising piece about an encounter with a mysterious fox, that became one of the best-known poems of the 20th century.
Is there Someone Knocking on Your Door?
When Ted Hughes heard the voice of his dream-fox, he listened and obeyed, ignoring the dutiful part of himself that felt he should persist with his English degree. But it took a while before he got the message.
Before that dream, he had been experiencing a growing resistance to writing his weekly essays, but had ignored the feeling and soldiered on. Luckily for him, his imagination didn’t give up on him – it sent a messenger to make its demands crystal-clear. And he had the good sense to take it seriously.
Like Hughes, most of us have experienced times when we veer off course in our lives, away from our true calling and talent, and towards paths that look promising but turn out to be dead ends. If we have enough self-awareness, we notice how unsatisfying this feels and abandon the dead-end for more fulfilling way forward.
But we’re not always so responsive to those feelings. And that’s when things start to get nasty.
As we push forward, doggedly sticking with our chosen course of action, we can find ourselves experiencing any of the following:
- disturbing dreams
- anxiety
- depression
- addictive use of alcohol or other drugs, food, gambling, sex etc.
- destructive relationships
- physical illness
When this happens – and if the obvious solutions fail to work – it’s worth asking yourself the following questions:
- Am I really happy with what I’m doing right now?
- Does it give me the opportunity to follow my passion and use my talents to the full?
- Is there something else I’d rather be doing?
- What would be the first step towards a more fulfilling way to spend my time?
Often, taking a few steps to restore some balance in your life and reconnect with your creative passion is all it takes for the symptoms of unease to disappear. Like Ted Hughes’ fox, the symptoms can vanish overnight – but they leave behind a valuable life lesson.
What Have You Learned from Your Dead Ends?
Have you ever experienced a dream, illness or other disturbing episode that turned out to be your imagination prompting you to get back in your creative zone?
What did you do about it?
What did you learn from the experience?
About the Author: Mark McGuinness is a poet and creative coach.
View Comments (29)
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« Previous 1 2 3 4 Next »Wonderful inspiring bit of writing, Mark. Great thoughts, sir,
see you soon!
Great post Mark. I'll be back.
Nice article! I was in a "similar" situation (without fox, fire or blood) last year. After some revelations I decide to switch my life back to a more creative career, working with hands, studying different things and, the most important thing, stop working completely on what I've spent the last 9 years of my life: software consulting. Everything diverged to thinking more about users, industrial design, working at the workshop and learning plenty of new things. Now I feel a lot better and I really like what I'm doing.
Two years of pre-pharmacy school. Two days of Organic Chemistry. 5:00 a.m. mental lightning bolt: I don't want to be here!
I dropped all my pharmacy classes that day and switched to a journalism major with strategic communications emphasis (i.e. marketing) a week later. I haven't looked back since!
Thanks everyone, glad it touched a chord.
@Suzie - "To the full" - Yep, no half measures!
@Zoe - I know what you mean, I had a narrow escape from a Literature PhD. ;-)
@Daniel - Yes, amazing how important gut feelings (literally) are. Check out my friend John Eaton's writings for more about that: http://reversethinking.typepad.com/weblog/
@Michael - Agreed it's often a case of trial and error. e.e. cummings sums it up nicely:
@Miguel - Respect for having the wisdom to drop something even after you'd spent all that time on it.
@Erica - Funny how the quickest decisions are often the best, eh? You might have seen Seth's piece about that this week: http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2009/04/i-need-more-time.html
What a wonderful way to draw us in and prove your point, Mark. Most often, that whisper is inside us for a reason. Our subconscious points us in directions our conscious mind wants us to ignore. My fox told me to write a book even though I'd never written before. I did, that was a year ago. Now I write to feed my family.
Thanks for such a great post.
To be candid, I'm experiencing 90% of the symptoms mentioned here. And I'm one who is "doggedly" sticking to an IT writer's job that simply doesn't let me be myself - passionate and radical like every great poet. I want to be a poet and an artist but nowhere do I find time to take up a book to read or a paper to draw. I've been doing this for 2+ years and the result: destructive relationships, anger, anxiety, depression and et all though I earn well and am in a good job. Do you think this false pursuit of my current job is killing me slowly? Should I listen to my dreams?
SK
Another fantastic post and mesmerizing story, Mark.
@ Michael Grills - I experienced this very recently, too... again. Even when we're aware of and trying to follow our passions, purpose, calling, etc., it's incredibly easy to get derailed time and time again, especially as an entrepreneur.
More than any other area of our lives, the business environment is saturated with fear-based, bottom-up thinking which has ingrained within us that external factors are responsible for our success--or the lack of it.
Staying tapped into and continually being led by our natural gifts, talents and callings (the top-down approach) is an ongoing battle, er, process. ;-)
Taking time every day to acknowledge, honor and stay true to ourselves is a critical success and survival tactic in a world where we're constantly inundated with so-called conventional "wisdom" and surrounded by bottom-up thinkers.
As a result of my recent experience, I realized [gratefully] that I'd gotten off track with some of my daily study, focus and self-care / self-time practices that keep me tuned into and true to my unique gifts, talents, perspectives and desires.
Although I still get off track at times, these days I'm fortunate enough to quickly recognize that's what's going on.
Thank you for this article! It really hits home for me. I've been experiencing this over the past year as a new small business entrepreneur.
It's become difficult to differentiate between what is dogged determination and perseverance, and what is resistance. I've found what I enjoy doing (life coaching and writing), but the efforts I'm extending are returning lukewarm results. Many contacts I've been making (and there have been a lot) are turning into dead ends or they're dancing around me indecisively. Maybe it's just that I suck in selling myself.
Still, this makes me wonder what the Universe it trying to tell me. Yet, if this is not what I'm "supposed" to be doing, then I no not what else there is for me. I don't believe there is anything else... it's just a matter of finding the right way to express my intentions in the way that I can exercise my talent and live passionately as myself.
@Writer Dad -- thanks, great example. Sounds like your wily fox is full of wisdom!
@SK -- It does sound as though you are unhappy with the balance of your work right now, and it's time to make some changes. But that doesn't mean you should rush to quit your job -- take it from me, it's not easy to make a living as a poet! :-)
A good starting place would be to make it a priority to find some time for your own creative pursuits. Could you start by finding an hour a day, or even a few hours at weekends? I've been in situations where I've spent 95% of my time working on things that didn't interest me, to pay the bills -- but that 5% when I was pursuing my dreams somehow made it worthwhile, and kept me motivated until I could devote more time to my own interests. Notice what difference it makes when you're spending a little time each day or each week on your creativity.
At the same time, it's worth looking around to see what other work options there may be. Perhaps there is a more fulfilling or at least less demanding job that would give you financial security and more time to pursue your own interests.
As Hugh MacLeod has pointed out, all creative people are constantly managing the tension between the work they love to do and what people are willing to pay them for. In your case it sounds as though you need to get some balance back, spending more time doing what you love but without throwing away your financial security. Once you start to feel more fulfilled, your situation is likely to look clearer -- and you'll be in a position to make more creative and effective decisions about your next steps.
You can get in touch via the contact form at the top of this page if you'd like to discuss this further.
@Mary Anne -- Thank you for your wise words. I know I've personally been grateful for establishing a habit of daily meditation first thing in the morning, as it's certainly helped me weather some tough times. I know what you mean about the process feeling like a battle sometimes! :-)
@Davina -- It sounds like you're facing the mirror image of SK's situation! i.e. you're doing what you love, but finding it hard to make it work in practical terms.
Seth Godin has a useful way looking at this in his book The Dip. He says that whenever we try to do something exciting but difficult such as launching a business, we will encounter 'the dip' - a time when the obstacles in our path become so challenging as to seem insurmountable. He suggests we look ahead at the likely outcome from persevering -- if persistence is likely to lead to 'more of the same' kind of difficulty and effort, we should probably quit. But if we can look ahead and see that success will make things easier in future then we should keep going doggedly until we get to the other side of the dip. And we should use all our creativity to navigate the obstacles along the way!